Letting you love me..

Let me love you (he solemnly asks)...

How strange is it that you only let the person who you want to love you, love you.
How is it that a person "loves you" but you just don't feel it?

The human mind is an amazing thing in that whatever it is looking for, it tends to find.

So...
If I'm looking for annoyance, I'll certainly find him annoying - even if he brings me dozens of flowers every year on my birthday.

If I'm looking for someone that loves me, I'll find his every gesture as a sign of affection. - even if he didn't mean for it to be.. !

Now, if you're looking for a person to love...look no more, s/he's right there, just in front of you.

It is without sacrifice..

Many guys complain that love shouldn't be this hard. Some girls argue that guys always want a challenge. Where's the disconnect?

Must I sacrifice yoga time to stay in and watch T.V. with you? Must you sacrifice time with your T.V. to come shopping with me?

If we're going to be together, we must be pals. Pals do not require tricky mind games and is defintiely an individual worth pursuing. Good friends find ways to meet in the middle. It would have been nice to hear "I'll drive you to Marshalls next week if you watch Sponge Bob with me this week!"

We capitalize on each others' strengths and we help improve one another with our shortfalls.
We shouldn't weigh each other down, but instead lift each other up.
We share each others' dreams without feeling like we're sacrificing a thing.

If actions speak louder than words..

then do we still have to say "I love you" ?

Some will say it and never show it...while

Others will show it and never say it...

Another will show it, say it and then stop showing it...

A handful will never show it until they say it...

And then there are those who neither say it nor show it until its too late...

But I do show him...

I welcome him with open arms. I desire to kiss him. I intently listen to him speak. I am respectful and understanding towards him. I'm here and will be here for him when he needs me.

If actions speak louder than words, is there something wrong if I haven't found the moment to say it?

LouIevoY

Louievoy is I love you, scrambled.
What does it mean when someone says I love you? It could mean a whole lot of things.

To me, love is my caring action and who I choose to love is up to me.

Love shouldn't be what I feel as a result of someone's actions. Don't you think? What if he no longer tells me I'm beautiful? I don't want to feel sad as a result and because of it, stop loving him back.

Instead,
I want to *feel beautiful* the moment he tells me I'm beautiful.
I want to *feel happy* when he surprises me and picks me up from work.
I want to *feel appreciated* when he gives me a massage after a dreadful day.
I want to *feel special* when he comes to my office with a warm cup of lemon honey drink because I was feeling sick.

I don't want to feel loved by him just because he does things for me.

Love is what I do and am willing to do for you. I can love you and you may not love me back.
Like a spectrum sometimes I love you more and sometimes I love you less - that's why it's so difficult to measure.
And sometimes I have the time to love you, and sometimes I don't.

Overall, if I will do something for you without expecting anything in return, it means I love you.

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be and will not be.
And...who you choose to love is solely up to you.

I love you not because of how you make me feel.
I love you because of who you are.

InfLove...

So here I am trying to distinguish the difference between Infatuation and Love.

Dictionary.com defines infatuation as a foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion.

Love on the otherhand had 22 definitions, one of which is: to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).

In both instances, passion exists. So what makes one foolish and unreasoning over the other?

To continue with their similarities, I think both infatuation and love can be temporary / short lived. Infatuation after a while can turn into obsession and love can also turn dry. In hindsight it's 20/20 but at that specific point in time however, it is not as clear.

Maybe the distinguishing difference is the satisfying benefit it brings to the person. If it is satisfying for selfish reasons, then it must be infatuation. It is selfish when you do things to others to satisfy your own uncertainties, lust etc. However, if actions are bestowed for the benefit of the other, then it is love.

Another distinguishing difference is the dimension in which the person is viewed. With infatuation it is satisfying to see the other person at its surface. Whereas with love, it is pleasing to know the person in depth.

I can see that everyone is born with a selfish nature therefore I'm not sure why infatuation carries such a negative connotation.

If every person is capable of infatuation and love, then...wouldn't you want to be inflove?

On Marriage.

I've grown to realize that nothing in this world is certain - not even yourself. We live in an ever changing world in which we, as people, need to adapt. It’s a world
- where nothing is set in stone
- where people we trust, do us wrong
- where we allow our fragile hearts to make lifetime decisions

Nothing goes as planned. The ever changing nature of people and the environment is the reason why I don't believe in the absolute "one" for me.

It has been my quest to find what marriage means to me since my breakup. There were two main reasons why I broke it off. One, because we didn't progress together on the communication aspect of our relationship (which had to be the first thing I wrote on my "next relationship list"). And it's not to say that this aspect is not "workable" because I know damn well that it is.

The second reason was the critical reason. There was no way I was going to move forward not knowing the significance of marriage and what it meant in my life. Not surprisingly however, I was supposed to be next in line for this exciting experience.

I've observed and seen so few "happy marriages" so far that it scares me deep inside. Because of the ever changing nature of life I strongly believe that a huge part of marriage is the Ultimate Leap of Faith. Looking back, it was actually the second thing I wrote when I created my “next relationship list”. I am looking for someone who holds the ability to encourage me towards the path in which I am passionate about but am afraid to pursue. Embedded within this leap of faith is the underlying notion that the person I trust will guide me to the right direction.

Wow...who knew that the pieces would so clearly come together for me as I pop and nibble on sunflower seeds with a pirate eye patch over my left eye?

Then comes the commitment. A commitment in itself is a goal...a promise to yourself. However, when another person is involved, such as a step towards marriage, it requires more than just a commitment on each end. It needs that everlasting belief that even when things go so unbelievably wrong, you will be there not just for yourself, but for one another. This is what I call loyalty which coincidentally enough was the third and last item on my list.

When I ask people "How do you know someone is the one for you?" I've heard:
- The person whose pros are great and whose cons you can deal with
- The person who passes the 80/20 or 90/10 acceptance rule (because no one is perfect)
- The person who makes you smile
- The person who makes you a better person
- And the most popular...You just know.

These are all legitamate answers and should be considered. In my earlier blog titled "But..." I mentioned that it's completely fine to just be 'okay' with something, but if you rather admire and enjoy the person and the journey you're about to endeavor, the key is you have to WANT him/her. You have to WANT what s/he has, and s/he has to WANT what you have. For me, it's that person who genuinely wants you as their lifetime partner during the same time you want him as yours.

I'm glad I've moved forward in learning what it means to me. Marriage begins with that ultimate leap of faith (trust) that is continued and carried through with open communication and everlasting loyalty.

How will I ever know?

I give people the benefit of the doubt -- trust them until they've done something to break it. Should I be so trusting of another? Does it make me vulnerable?
Yesterday a friend asked, "How do you know he's really where he says he is?" I answered: "How will I ever know?"
He likes to tell it - after the fact.

I made every excuse possible for him.
He dislikes Halloween...
He must be really tired...
He hates traffic and commotion...
(Just to make myself feel better)

Today, he told me he spent time with this other girl after he declined my invitation to spend time with me.

You know that feeling when you trust a person with your life. You also know it when you don't.
But if you ask how do I know where he's at today? My answer is "How will I ever know?"

Fair is not Love & Love is not Fair.

Just as nothing in life is fair...good people get sick, smart liars dodge consequences, and innocent people locked behind bars. Love will never be fair.

There will always be something one can give where the other is not capable of giving and there will always be something one can take and the other cannot.

Two different educational backgrounds, cultures, tolerance levels, financial situations, interpretation of words...make up two very different souls. Even with the same genetic composition, we come to different perceptions, conclusions and emotional reactions. There seems to be no control over it. And on top of that there seems to be no true measurement of love.

If we can first understand and accept that our love for each other will always be imbalanced, we'll end up being okay. The trick is, just don't let it tip over!!! Nevertheless, I still truly believe that a healthy relationship will result with the mutual understanding that one should give love in different colors, shapes and sizes but expect nothing in return. Is that fair?

Easily built, easily broken?

Do you believe that with 'love and relationships' what's easily built will be as easily broken?

Is she afraid that you'll fall out of love just as fast and just as hard as when you fell in love?

OR maybe...
She's afraid that you'll fall in love just as fast and just as hard with someone else?

Ever been told to take it slowwwwwer? And do you believe there is a benefit to holding your love back and waiting?

My Chocolate Epiphany.

Tears of confusion and sadness rolled down my eyes unexpectedly. You'd think I'd be over this by now. It's been a year.

For some strange reason I end up crying during my subway rides. I'm glad I'm not the only one since I've seen people do the same. Others do even stranger things. The shower is another popular place where my tears just naturally roll down. The sound of heavy water droplets trigger the release of the emotions trapped within.

On my train ride...
I remembered the day I came home from work and found a purple Cala Lily shaped chocolate on a stick laying on top of my fluffed pillow. With a smile I slowly picked it up and gently stared at it for a good half a minute. I wondered who it was that thought of me that day...who it was that thought I was special...

I bet it was dad! He's sweet like that. So I excitedly walked downstairs to thank him. With a confused look he smirked and said that it wasn't from him.

Was it my sister? I thought...yeah! We like to leave each other surprises now and then, but not usually on our pillows. I walked over but nope, it wasn't her either. Dazed and perplexed I decided to call a friend who would be next person that would leave me such a sweet present. But it wasn't him.

To this day, it hurts me, it confuses me, it angers me...that the person I didn't think of was my boyfriend at the time of 11 years. It's no one's fault, it just became my own chocolate epiphany.

To be inspired...

Earlier this summer an interest of mine told me I inspired him to write and share his world of plentiful stories. I was his muse. I felt confused because I have not done anything consciously to evoke such positive insight. Though I was his muse, I was not willing to take the credit he gave me for inspiring him.

Then, I met a guy recently whose body is incredibly lean. During our "blind date" he talked about strictly eating steamed food as part of his ways of keeping in shape. I've always been an active person, but never could I imagine myself changing my dietary habits. My food intake consisted of pasta with carbonara sauce, fried food and lots and lots of chips. Just after exchanging a few emails with him, I've now been inspired to start something new...

Today I attended an informative session held by one of NYC's top rated personal trainers / instructors, L. Cozick. In only a half an hour she made me want to join her women's triathlon team: Team Lipstick and Team Chapstick. I think she said she was 40+ but she looks absolutely amazing and has the energy of her whole class combined. She inspires me...Now I'm not as confused.

It is now clear to me that the energy of just loving yourself and being yourself and doing the things that you are passionate about resonate through others. It is what makes people drawn to you. These people end up craving and loving your presence - be it rain or shine.

Loyalty is something you give...

I'd like to attribute my jealous spurts to having the middle-child syndrome. So when I was asked to to list three things I'm looking for in my next relationship the one thing I had to note was a loyal person.

My only ex-bf was 100% loyal yet I still had my jealous tendencies. Though deep down in my heart I trusted him. Maybe it was because he was such a 'nice guy' I felt he paid more attention to people other than me? Ironically that was one of the reasons I was attracted to him in the first place - everyone said he is 'such a nice guy.'

My father and I occasionally have love and life chats over food. Loyalty is like trust he told me this weekend. It is affected by uncountable factors and is based on the individual. I understood and learned that loyalty, like trust is not something you get becuase you ask for it, but rather something you give.

Expectations reduce joy.

This yogi agrees with me and I agree with this yogi.

Expectations reduce joy: http://theyoginme.blogspot.com/2008/06/expectations-reduce-joy.html

It's not what you say, but how you say it.

How many times have you heard yourself say:
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way.

Many times we speak before we think - but also, we think about what we're going to say instead of how we're going to say it.  The words we choose are important but a tone of voice is critical and also universal.

We are in a big melting pot.  We see and observe people communicate to each other with all sorts of emotions.  Though we don't always understand what is being said, we can always observe the emotion that is being relayed through their voice.  We can hear confusion, excitement, anger, disrespect and the sorts...all without having to know the words that were spoken.

Reciprocate.

To return like for like (according to dictionary.com), a kiss for a kiss , and a smile for a smile.

I recently heard about the Cup Theory of love where the underlying concept is that love is finite. We are born with a cup (our hearts) that is filled with liquid (love). In a relationship where affection is present, the liquid is poured into one another's love cup. You know you're in a healthy relationship if the liquid in each of your cup is balanced. When the liquid/love is skewed the relationship suffers and ends. What is left in your cup represents the baggage that you carry to the next relationship.

Picture this though. The woman expresses her affection through cooking nightly dinners for the man she adores. He gets home tired (and without an appetite) from work and all he wants is a massage but he's too polite to ask. By this time the woman is tired and is ready to rest. After dinner he tucks her into bed and kisses her good night. The daily cycle continues. Misunderstanding, lack of communication and different perception of love.

The fact is that love (given and received) takes time and energy - both of which are finite in a day and finite in a lifetime. We do not have the luxury of infinite time and energy. Therefore we must understand his/her perception of love before we reciprocate. Otherwise it becomes a wasted gesture that will lead to "does he love me?" thoughts, tears and regret.

Let it...be.

pass...
happen...
be.


Sometimes you get so caught up with trying to analyze something that wasn't meant to be or analyzing something that only existed in your own imagination. It's a sure waste of time especially if there are other things you rather be doing - reading an inspiring book, pouring your heart out on a blog, or just simply dancing.


Most things in life are uncontrollable. That includes attraction, emotions, and the biggest factor of all, timing. You find yourself wondering why everyone else is attracted to him/her, but you're not. You find yourself avoiding him/her in every way but the emotions continue to run strong. You find yourself that special someone but s/he just isn't quite ready.


These factors are out of one's control, so instead of being angry and frustrated at yourself, accept it.


One of the greatest things about yoga is that it trained me to "let things be."

I still think about him everyday...it's okay...

I miss his warmth and the way his back feels when I hug him...it's okay...

I look around the busy streets of NYC in hopes to find a glimpse of him...it's okay.



But what's not okay is when I'm about to embark on a fun filled date and all I can think of...is him.
Weeks and weeks booked full of activities in an effort to minimize the distractions I've been expecting. For the most part it works! Activities work!

Not Alone...

Spending my Wednesday dancing Samba alone wasn't supposed to be the plan. Afterwork, I rushed to Lincoln Centers' Mid Summer Night Swing and barely made it on time. Because of the anticipated rain only about 200 people showed up that evening when usually 800 out of the 1,000 tickets are sold nightly. There was more space to dance. The music was lively - with the drums just the way I liked it.

The basic steps, as the dance instructor described is like stepping on and squishing a really large cockaroach on the floor...??? I thought...the last time I stepped on a really large cockaroach was when I was 6 living in the Philippines...what happened to the sexy Brazilian dance I came here for? But, he was absolutely right, the basic steps looked just like he described.

As I watched couples, single men and women on the dance floor, I realized I may very well be the only person who came alone. I almost regretted going to a partner based dance event by myself. As the feeling of loneliness crept into my skin, a 70+ year old man, about 5'3 with very bold facial features approached me. He reached out his hands and asked me if I came with anyone. I guess it was obvious I didn't. "No, I came alone" I answered trying hard not to display a face that showed the joyless reason why I ended up alone that Wednesday. "Then can I keep you?" he abruptly responded. He is a funny man, Costas. He was strong and was full of energy.

After a half an hour of dancing to live music and talking, I no longer felt alone. I learned that he was an established architect here in NYC and his wife of many many years had just recently passed away. I'm sure he felt loneliness also but at that moment he and I did not. He even said I made him happy.
Not often does one randomly get to talk and dance with a person who's contributed to history. Not often does one get to hear another say you make them happy. Not often is one really alone. Because somewhere out there you are thinking about someone and someone else is really thinking about you too.

And as The Bonsai Tree says...Often times we underestimate our own value and self worth. People often have a way of touching many other lives in different ways. I add...as long as you have touched other peoples hearts, as you have mine, you are not alone.

No Expectations.

It never fails - my heart races every time I see that pitch black screen with words typed in bold white font "The Human Condition" - will there be a new entry today? Will it be about me? My pulse quickens - then stops. I guess not today =( ...Maybe tomorrow?

Wasted time and disappointing afternoons have caused me to limit my silly tendencies to check his site to just one a week. Has it worked? Not yet. A few years ago when I was let down by one of my friends, my dad told me "Rely on yourself. Don't rely on anyone else." It was an egotistical, stubborn, "I don't need anyone's help" type of statement I thought. However, the more disappointmens came the more it made sense...

For myself, I'll set my expectations reasonably high. For others, I'll keep reminding myself "Joy...no expectations." I received my first bunch of flowers (roses in fact) in the office this year. They were pink, simple, beautiful and best of all...unexpected. Last week, I opened the fridgerator door and a bag with a note that said "Surprise! Daw Miu just for you!" made me laugh! Today I was asked to lay my hands out with my eyes shut. I was given a gift that brought me joy - P90X (a rigorous exercise and diet regimen) on a memory stick! I literally jumped off my seat from excitement! =)

Being without expectations is when we learn to appreciate.

The happiest smiles, laughs, feelings, and moments that come...are the ones you don't expect. I don't wonder why children are so happy.

Let's make happiness..

I was once ased to describe meaning vs. happiness. Others thought that the two concepts are mutually exclusive, where you can't lead a life of meaning and a life of happiness at the same time...that one has to be sacrificed for the other...

From my perspective…The meaning of life is like a road; it filters out the places where you don’t want to be and becomes a personal pathway for direction. It represents your pursuit and purpose. Though you may think you know where the road leads, when it ends and why it exists, you can only believe that it does. There are going to be unexpected obstacles that you’d have to dodge and overcome. And…there are going to be times where you will feel lost, try to find a map and want to jump off the road.

Happiness to me is the level in which you experience this road. It is the ‘how’ you feel when riding this road. Feeling adventurous? Drive it fast! Want to take it nice and slow? Turn on the soft music and feel the sun and the light breeze. It may be through smiling, touching, helping, laughing, and loving that you find happiness in this journey. To much degree, happiness is what you make out of your experiences, NOT what the experiences make you. And if you're ever questioning happiness, you're probably not experiencing it. It takes peace with yourself and with the world that allows you to find happiness

Though I’ve never believed I can ‘make a difference’ in this world, the fact is we influence others and at the same time are deeply influenced. My purpose in life is to have a positive impact on others.

If I can give a smile to have a joyless face smile back…
If I can deliver a massage to have a body free from aches and pain…
If I can provide an Excel solution so you will remember that I’m always here to help you…
If I can tickle so you can suddenly burst in laughter…
If I can wash your body and your hair so you can be clean as me…
If I can present you with the experience of yoga so you can find peace from within…

I will be happy. It gives me a sense of purpose and a feeling of happiness at the same time. I find happiness through others and realize that many times in life it’s the small things that count.

On 07/28/08 he said

After dinner he said "In case I don't get to say this to anyone else...I love you."

I questioned it because earlier during dinner he said that he wanted to be exclusively dating with me so that he can clearly see if he can "love me without all the distractions" from the other men I was dating. In his defense, he said "...but after the full realization of not having you kicked in, I didn't care about all the other men you were seeing."

It might be the best for the both of us but I was hurting when he cut me off Facebook and Gmail. Not forever, only until I'm no longer the first thing on his mind every morning.
I'm not going to say goodbye. I'm glad I met him. Not only did he possess the #1 quality I was looking for in my next relationship, he opened my eyes to know that people like him exist.

Holding hands...

I was at a karaoke bar singing, laughing, enjoying good times...when suddenly I froze. For a half a second everything in my world paused: my mind, my heart, my breath.

Though the gentle touch was warm and casual, something else about it felt strange. I realized that he had reached out to take hold of my hand. It felt unnatural because externally holding hands felt normal, but internally there was a struggle - a pull in the opposite direction. Was I supposed to let go? Do I say "I'm sorry I can't?"

Later, I asked my sister and my friends for advice. Because I've been dating for a few months now, I have locked hands with multiple people and it felt strange...an uneasy feeling that I had trouble expressing. I am also uncomfortable with saying "No." What do I say? How do I say it? And who do I say it to? I'm glad they reminded me that holding hands is much like kissing. One should reserve these physical gestures for someone truly special to you and with whom you are ready to be with.

I'm not as confused as I was a few weeks ago because I am now clear from people holding my hand...I've been lucky enough to have people 'understand' my situation and respect my space, perception and decisions. I couldn't ask for anything more. This way is much better though - holding my own hand through the dating road map - at least for now.

But...

As soon as I became single, my guy friends warned me about the tough dating world. "There are games...so many games...most men you meet will just want to sleep with you..." blah blah blah. One of my girl friends had a different view; she told me I didn't have to worry about a thing..."you're young, you're pretty and you're easy to get along with!" At the time, I wanted to agree with my girl friend.

Little over four months of dating made me realize that finding 'someone' had only a very insy bitsy thing to do with your age, your pysical appearance and friendliness. It is the first time I realized that the dating world IS tough out there.

For example: You meet a guy who you have a ton of fun with for 16 straight hours BUT you're not attracted to him in that way. You meet a guy who consistently treats you with thoughtful surprises, BUT it's just too awkward. You meet a guy who you actually like BUT you find out your brother is not fond of him, neither is your sister or both! You meet a guy who motivates you and is utterly attractive, BUT he reminds you of your ex. And...you meet a guy who is so warm hearted and has taught you how to love and be loved, BUT...

I'm not a type who is very critical and judgmental of people that I date. They say you have to connect. I connect with many potential people out there on different aspects and in different levels...BUT where is the balance and satisfaction? Or does it even exist?

It's completely fine to just be 'okay' with something BUT if you rather admire and enjoy what you're about to endeavor, the key is you have to WANT. You have to want what they have...BUT...
To every key though there is an inlet, an entrance whereby the critical question must be asked..
BUT do you have what they want???

My First.

Ahhh...the beauty of experiencing The First...being labled The First...remembering The First...etc. etc.
Within these past few months, I've experienced many of "my firsts." My first break up...my first in an ambulette...my first kiss under exciting fireworks, and...my very first blog entry...just to name a few!

I'm 26 and I'm absorbing every bit of those memories. My first break up happened about four months ago. It was a 12 year relationship that was seeded during my first year of high school. The relationship never had a reason to end until now. I've always been considered a bright one in school, but oddly my friends were already getting engaged just as I was taking baby steps and starting to question the meaning of marriage. Yes, I was behind (very behind). It seems as though the people who you'd think would be the first to settle down are the ones who end up last. Not that marriage is by any means a race!

How do you know someone is "the one" for you? Do you know what you want? These were my first questions about marriage / relationship. And before I even start thinking about marriage, I realize I have to go back and re-think Relationship 101. As I ponder and ask others about their experiences and advice, I've come to learn a good handful of things! And surely this I will begin to share with you, as part of My First.