The Real Reason.

Over 3,000 page views and hundreds of emails, I don't even know where to begin. Thanks for setting me up guys. Looks like I've been tricked into the sea of singles! It's been only one week and and I can't even click a silly little Reply button. As sad as I was about the dissolution (or breakup as a non-accountant would say), I really am quite relieved. I mean, how could I ever think I would be okay with someone who is unwilling to hold me while I'm struggling and quivering in emotional pain? In most difficult decisions you make, there is always the reason you tell people, and then there's the REAL reason. Although others can't, some people can distinguish them from each other. We can tell people that it didn't work out because of timing. What people hear is..blah blah...who cares. My real reason was the perceived lack of loyalty. And if I can, I would emphasize "perceived" because it's only my opinion after all. I better write this so I and maybe others can learn from it. Cold and unnerving, I would wake up shaken and quivered - not something I would wish for anyone. From my perspective, the concerning fact is that even though there may have been viable and possible solutions to the problem, he showed no intention of trying. Not only was I left alone - I was left alone shaking. The solutions I suggested just would not feel natural. It seems he preferred to be on cruise control, no hard work necessary. I explained, I reasoned, I asked, I repeated. I know I don't ask for much...just the warmth of a hug or words of reassurance (nothing immoral, or maybe it was). There are people you believe and those you don't - and others who fall in between. Some take a lot of time to figure out, others take 3.5 years. How odd that on day one, I stared at my "list" and this was the one thing I questioned. And just for memory's sake, he wanted to tell me that he saw his X. I wondered how soon but regardless, 2 months after is soon enough. He wanted to tell me his conclusion from that meeting was since there were no trust issues while with her - it was strange that I had them. An invisible slap to my face. I felt shamed and disrespected. click "REPLY"

No Where Land

About two weeks has passed, and I have finally arrived to no where land. I am still who I am..."beautiful, kind, smart, vibrant and loving" - in quotes. All I noticed from these past weeks is a few acquaintances who have expressed interests in many forms. Guys are overly caring and offer me all sorts of things girls would want. They consistently pay for meals and even attempt flirtatious speech. I have not let myself fall into the sea yet however. I just recognize the fish in it from above. There are a couple of ways i make it into the sea. I wonder if I will be willing to dive in and when, or if someone would take the honor and push me in from behind, or I somehow get tricked or lured... People can continue to tell me that they have passionate dreams about me or fantasize, but I refuse to succumb to nonsense. I want reality. Although I may be naive, I'm not that vulnerable. I recognize that my time is precious at this point and should not deal with any temporary business. But I have to say, if there is a time I maybe vulnerable, it will have to be those lonely Tuesday nights. After a few weeks, I'm somewhat relieved that although i may be desired by most, i am subject to none. Seductive? Maybe... Welcome to No Where Land, Joy Sy.

By Your Side.

I watched a movie last night (The Lucky One) and although it wasn't anywhere as good as The Notebook, in it I learned something extremely valuable - things happen for a reason. There are happenings in life that is too intricate to be just coincidence. How did I get so lucky? What perfect timing! Then on the flip side, I ask how can such a sad thing suddenly unfold? But then I think back and realize that things happened for a reason. In this movie I also learned that people in the marines are trained to never worry about themselves. They were drilled to always watch the person by their side. With someone you trust by your side, you can aim full force for your potential without the fear of hurt and failure. What a powerful technique this can be, in any relationship. I know I am capable of giving such love. But the question is, are you? Willing to watch me from my side and guard my heart like it is yours? I notice that the marines are "trained" into this camaraderie - the trait is learned and practiced...and when time comes, only death will it part. There's an extremely powerful potential with mentality like that. Because when there is a pair with the same mind, two will always be better than one. Somewhere out there is an open heart with my name inscribed in the front. The sight of it will be distinct and gleaming from afar. I will feel warm, steady, and welcomed as I get near. And that special place by your side is where you will find me.

An October Remembrance...

One unexpected evening in October you wrote an email with "us" as a
subject. You wanted us to be together and you made sure I knew the
reasons why.

I didn't quite tell you my own reasons why. You were shy and
seemingly lonely inside. As the years go by and as I get to know you,
I find a boy who seeks to be loved. Even though you are not, you
remind me of a blameless child...

I adore you for
your eagerness to succeed
your fearless spirit and
having the guts to follow your dreams

Thank you for loving me as much as you could and making me excited when you arrive home.

Tears to Words.

In an effort to turn my child-like tears into words, I write. I thought this day would pass without my crying spells. But just as I had hit my bed, I received a text from a friend that sent teardrops rolling down my crinkled face. My nerves were calm most of today until boyfriend topics came up and I became too coward to speak. I begin to tremble inside because I have no stories to share. I slowly close my eyes and carefully subdue my thoughts and my tears. I've observed his every reaction so far and noticed minimal sentiments. After skimming through some old pictures, he seemed to have already taken the time to rearrange his next few years without "us." He seemed somewhat upset but also seemed to have moved forward. He has goals in life, just as I do. He has a steep hill to climb, a few hurdles to jump over and a very tricky ladder to attempt before he gets to see the finish line. No matter what however, I would be supportive of his endeavors. He's too smart to just shun his dreams.

A Secret Remains...

There is nothing like the attractive sight and instant scent of freshly cut grass. I sat at Bryant Park one morning for a "me time" and thought... Besides carnivores and alike, there is one other thing that could possibly eat me up alive. And that is, the feeling that my life time partner lacks or will lack the capacity to love (me). The only difference I see is that the worse one eats from the inside out. There's a saying that you can't love others unless you love yourself. But I can also say that...I can try to love myself and others as much as I can, however if there is absolutely no one in this world who I can count on to love me back, I will feel my blood leak through me as tears. I thought...there's a possibility that I can continue my life without his deep sentiments - only because I am half practical after all. I can even live without his time commitment - only because I can easily find ways to entertain myself. But the ambiguous question is, can I continue without both? What would happen if I'm on an emotional down swing and he was not around to provide the emotional support nor the time? I would suffer for sure...but I wonder if it's a lost cause. I wonder how much longer this can stay a secret. People may start to hear that "it was mutual" regardless of whether it was.

Chilly..

Last night's train ride was not so bad. I had distractions and
thoughts keeping me company. As soon as I got off my stop I rushed
home. It was dark. I was paranoid that some bad person would attack
me from behind...but really they were just kids. I have always been so
sheltered. If i wasn't being driven back by someone, I receive text
messages from my sister and family offering to pick me up from the
city. I will temporary avoid them; No one needs to see me sad. For
some reason, without me saying a word, they seem to know. I feel like
the whole world can tell. I walk around with a long furrowed dark
dazed face...checking my phone every half hour and jumping every time
I feel a new message come through... Then i shake my head with a
smile. I think of how silly I am and sillier I look doing so. But i
am helpless when i am hopeful.

As I laid in bed, i pulled my blanket to cover my chilled ears.
Tuesdays used to be our intimate nights. But this Tuesday was
different. I observed - not only was I alone, but the mysterious tranquilizing moon was also nowhere in sight. Dark, cloudy and chilly it was, just as I
felt deep inside.

Switching Gears.

After almost exactly 3.5 years, I'm back to my daily routine of taking the N train on 8th avenue. With every minute that passes, there's something that reminds me of what used to be. The earphones he bought for me, the straw for my coffee he never forgets, the bridge I now have to cross alone. I can't help but think of how people feel separating after 30+ years.

I hate songs that make me cry. Yet, there's a good feeling of crying and strangers around you acknowledge.

It's time for work. I switch gears to neutral because I have a 200 page checklist to complete by 10. Sigh.