A Secret Remains...

There is nothing like the attractive sight and instant scent of freshly cut grass. I sat at Bryant Park one morning for a "me time" and thought... Besides carnivores and alike, there is one other thing that could possibly eat me up alive. And that is, the feeling that my life time partner lacks or will lack the capacity to love (me). The only difference I see is that the worse one eats from the inside out. There's a saying that you can't love others unless you love yourself. But I can also say that...I can try to love myself and others as much as I can, however if there is absolutely no one in this world who I can count on to love me back, I will feel my blood leak through me as tears. I thought...there's a possibility that I can continue my life without his deep sentiments - only because I am half practical after all. I can even live without his time commitment - only because I can easily find ways to entertain myself. But the ambiguous question is, can I continue without both? What would happen if I'm on an emotional down swing and he was not around to provide the emotional support nor the time? I would suffer for sure...but I wonder if it's a lost cause. I wonder how much longer this can stay a secret. People may start to hear that "it was mutual" regardless of whether it was.