Reciprocate.

To return like for like (according to dictionary.com), a kiss for a kiss , and a smile for a smile.

I recently heard about the Cup Theory of love where the underlying concept is that love is finite. We are born with a cup (our hearts) that is filled with liquid (love). In a relationship where affection is present, the liquid is poured into one another's love cup. You know you're in a healthy relationship if the liquid in each of your cup is balanced. When the liquid/love is skewed the relationship suffers and ends. What is left in your cup represents the baggage that you carry to the next relationship.

Picture this though. The woman expresses her affection through cooking nightly dinners for the man she adores. He gets home tired (and without an appetite) from work and all he wants is a massage but he's too polite to ask. By this time the woman is tired and is ready to rest. After dinner he tucks her into bed and kisses her good night. The daily cycle continues. Misunderstanding, lack of communication and different perception of love.

The fact is that love (given and received) takes time and energy - both of which are finite in a day and finite in a lifetime. We do not have the luxury of infinite time and energy. Therefore we must understand his/her perception of love before we reciprocate. Otherwise it becomes a wasted gesture that will lead to "does he love me?" thoughts, tears and regret.

Let it...be.

pass...
happen...
be.


Sometimes you get so caught up with trying to analyze something that wasn't meant to be or analyzing something that only existed in your own imagination. It's a sure waste of time especially if there are other things you rather be doing - reading an inspiring book, pouring your heart out on a blog, or just simply dancing.


Most things in life are uncontrollable. That includes attraction, emotions, and the biggest factor of all, timing. You find yourself wondering why everyone else is attracted to him/her, but you're not. You find yourself avoiding him/her in every way but the emotions continue to run strong. You find yourself that special someone but s/he just isn't quite ready.


These factors are out of one's control, so instead of being angry and frustrated at yourself, accept it.


One of the greatest things about yoga is that it trained me to "let things be."

I still think about him everyday...it's okay...

I miss his warmth and the way his back feels when I hug him...it's okay...

I look around the busy streets of NYC in hopes to find a glimpse of him...it's okay.



But what's not okay is when I'm about to embark on a fun filled date and all I can think of...is him.
Weeks and weeks booked full of activities in an effort to minimize the distractions I've been expecting. For the most part it works! Activities work!

Not Alone...

Spending my Wednesday dancing Samba alone wasn't supposed to be the plan. Afterwork, I rushed to Lincoln Centers' Mid Summer Night Swing and barely made it on time. Because of the anticipated rain only about 200 people showed up that evening when usually 800 out of the 1,000 tickets are sold nightly. There was more space to dance. The music was lively - with the drums just the way I liked it.

The basic steps, as the dance instructor described is like stepping on and squishing a really large cockaroach on the floor...??? I thought...the last time I stepped on a really large cockaroach was when I was 6 living in the Philippines...what happened to the sexy Brazilian dance I came here for? But, he was absolutely right, the basic steps looked just like he described.

As I watched couples, single men and women on the dance floor, I realized I may very well be the only person who came alone. I almost regretted going to a partner based dance event by myself. As the feeling of loneliness crept into my skin, a 70+ year old man, about 5'3 with very bold facial features approached me. He reached out his hands and asked me if I came with anyone. I guess it was obvious I didn't. "No, I came alone" I answered trying hard not to display a face that showed the joyless reason why I ended up alone that Wednesday. "Then can I keep you?" he abruptly responded. He is a funny man, Costas. He was strong and was full of energy.

After a half an hour of dancing to live music and talking, I no longer felt alone. I learned that he was an established architect here in NYC and his wife of many many years had just recently passed away. I'm sure he felt loneliness also but at that moment he and I did not. He even said I made him happy.
Not often does one randomly get to talk and dance with a person who's contributed to history. Not often does one get to hear another say you make them happy. Not often is one really alone. Because somewhere out there you are thinking about someone and someone else is really thinking about you too.

And as The Bonsai Tree says...Often times we underestimate our own value and self worth. People often have a way of touching many other lives in different ways. I add...as long as you have touched other peoples hearts, as you have mine, you are not alone.

No Expectations.

It never fails - my heart races every time I see that pitch black screen with words typed in bold white font "The Human Condition" - will there be a new entry today? Will it be about me? My pulse quickens - then stops. I guess not today =( ...Maybe tomorrow?

Wasted time and disappointing afternoons have caused me to limit my silly tendencies to check his site to just one a week. Has it worked? Not yet. A few years ago when I was let down by one of my friends, my dad told me "Rely on yourself. Don't rely on anyone else." It was an egotistical, stubborn, "I don't need anyone's help" type of statement I thought. However, the more disappointmens came the more it made sense...

For myself, I'll set my expectations reasonably high. For others, I'll keep reminding myself "Joy...no expectations." I received my first bunch of flowers (roses in fact) in the office this year. They were pink, simple, beautiful and best of all...unexpected. Last week, I opened the fridgerator door and a bag with a note that said "Surprise! Daw Miu just for you!" made me laugh! Today I was asked to lay my hands out with my eyes shut. I was given a gift that brought me joy - P90X (a rigorous exercise and diet regimen) on a memory stick! I literally jumped off my seat from excitement! =)

Being without expectations is when we learn to appreciate.

The happiest smiles, laughs, feelings, and moments that come...are the ones you don't expect. I don't wonder why children are so happy.

Let's make happiness..

I was once ased to describe meaning vs. happiness. Others thought that the two concepts are mutually exclusive, where you can't lead a life of meaning and a life of happiness at the same time...that one has to be sacrificed for the other...

From my perspective…The meaning of life is like a road; it filters out the places where you don’t want to be and becomes a personal pathway for direction. It represents your pursuit and purpose. Though you may think you know where the road leads, when it ends and why it exists, you can only believe that it does. There are going to be unexpected obstacles that you’d have to dodge and overcome. And…there are going to be times where you will feel lost, try to find a map and want to jump off the road.

Happiness to me is the level in which you experience this road. It is the ‘how’ you feel when riding this road. Feeling adventurous? Drive it fast! Want to take it nice and slow? Turn on the soft music and feel the sun and the light breeze. It may be through smiling, touching, helping, laughing, and loving that you find happiness in this journey. To much degree, happiness is what you make out of your experiences, NOT what the experiences make you. And if you're ever questioning happiness, you're probably not experiencing it. It takes peace with yourself and with the world that allows you to find happiness

Though I’ve never believed I can ‘make a difference’ in this world, the fact is we influence others and at the same time are deeply influenced. My purpose in life is to have a positive impact on others.

If I can give a smile to have a joyless face smile back…
If I can deliver a massage to have a body free from aches and pain…
If I can provide an Excel solution so you will remember that I’m always here to help you…
If I can tickle so you can suddenly burst in laughter…
If I can wash your body and your hair so you can be clean as me…
If I can present you with the experience of yoga so you can find peace from within…

I will be happy. It gives me a sense of purpose and a feeling of happiness at the same time. I find happiness through others and realize that many times in life it’s the small things that count.

On 07/28/08 he said

After dinner he said "In case I don't get to say this to anyone else...I love you."

I questioned it because earlier during dinner he said that he wanted to be exclusively dating with me so that he can clearly see if he can "love me without all the distractions" from the other men I was dating. In his defense, he said "...but after the full realization of not having you kicked in, I didn't care about all the other men you were seeing."

It might be the best for the both of us but I was hurting when he cut me off Facebook and Gmail. Not forever, only until I'm no longer the first thing on his mind every morning.
I'm not going to say goodbye. I'm glad I met him. Not only did he possess the #1 quality I was looking for in my next relationship, he opened my eyes to know that people like him exist.

Holding hands...

I was at a karaoke bar singing, laughing, enjoying good times...when suddenly I froze. For a half a second everything in my world paused: my mind, my heart, my breath.

Though the gentle touch was warm and casual, something else about it felt strange. I realized that he had reached out to take hold of my hand. It felt unnatural because externally holding hands felt normal, but internally there was a struggle - a pull in the opposite direction. Was I supposed to let go? Do I say "I'm sorry I can't?"

Later, I asked my sister and my friends for advice. Because I've been dating for a few months now, I have locked hands with multiple people and it felt strange...an uneasy feeling that I had trouble expressing. I am also uncomfortable with saying "No." What do I say? How do I say it? And who do I say it to? I'm glad they reminded me that holding hands is much like kissing. One should reserve these physical gestures for someone truly special to you and with whom you are ready to be with.

I'm not as confused as I was a few weeks ago because I am now clear from people holding my hand...I've been lucky enough to have people 'understand' my situation and respect my space, perception and decisions. I couldn't ask for anything more. This way is much better though - holding my own hand through the dating road map - at least for now.

But...

As soon as I became single, my guy friends warned me about the tough dating world. "There are games...so many games...most men you meet will just want to sleep with you..." blah blah blah. One of my girl friends had a different view; she told me I didn't have to worry about a thing..."you're young, you're pretty and you're easy to get along with!" At the time, I wanted to agree with my girl friend.

Little over four months of dating made me realize that finding 'someone' had only a very insy bitsy thing to do with your age, your pysical appearance and friendliness. It is the first time I realized that the dating world IS tough out there.

For example: You meet a guy who you have a ton of fun with for 16 straight hours BUT you're not attracted to him in that way. You meet a guy who consistently treats you with thoughtful surprises, BUT it's just too awkward. You meet a guy who you actually like BUT you find out your brother is not fond of him, neither is your sister or both! You meet a guy who motivates you and is utterly attractive, BUT he reminds you of your ex. And...you meet a guy who is so warm hearted and has taught you how to love and be loved, BUT...

I'm not a type who is very critical and judgmental of people that I date. They say you have to connect. I connect with many potential people out there on different aspects and in different levels...BUT where is the balance and satisfaction? Or does it even exist?

It's completely fine to just be 'okay' with something BUT if you rather admire and enjoy what you're about to endeavor, the key is you have to WANT. You have to want what they have...BUT...
To every key though there is an inlet, an entrance whereby the critical question must be asked..
BUT do you have what they want???

My First.

Ahhh...the beauty of experiencing The First...being labled The First...remembering The First...etc. etc.
Within these past few months, I've experienced many of "my firsts." My first break up...my first in an ambulette...my first kiss under exciting fireworks, and...my very first blog entry...just to name a few!

I'm 26 and I'm absorbing every bit of those memories. My first break up happened about four months ago. It was a 12 year relationship that was seeded during my first year of high school. The relationship never had a reason to end until now. I've always been considered a bright one in school, but oddly my friends were already getting engaged just as I was taking baby steps and starting to question the meaning of marriage. Yes, I was behind (very behind). It seems as though the people who you'd think would be the first to settle down are the ones who end up last. Not that marriage is by any means a race!

How do you know someone is "the one" for you? Do you know what you want? These were my first questions about marriage / relationship. And before I even start thinking about marriage, I realize I have to go back and re-think Relationship 101. As I ponder and ask others about their experiences and advice, I've come to learn a good handful of things! And surely this I will begin to share with you, as part of My First.