Switching Gears.

After almost exactly 3.5 years, I'm back to my daily routine of taking the N train on 8th avenue. With every minute that passes, there's something that reminds me of what used to be. The earphones he bought for me, the straw for my coffee he never forgets, the bridge I now have to cross alone. I can't help but think of how people feel separating after 30+ years.

I hate songs that make me cry. Yet, there's a good feeling of crying and strangers around you acknowledge.

It's time for work. I switch gears to neutral because I have a 200 page checklist to complete by 10. Sigh.

Who's worth it?

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

With Love, it is effortless..

I was in my first yoga class since forever. As I walked into the studio, my ears became wide open and ready to receive whatever is given. After hundreds of yoga hours one might think there isn't anything new I can hear or learn. Yet, there's something for me each time I go.

As Jodie Rufty spoke about Amma "The Mother" of India making her way to NYC, I widened my ears a little more. "The Mother" of india shares her blessings to everyone and anyone who wishes to embrace her. "The Mother" of India treats all beings with the nature of equality. Whether you're a proud gay individual or a cheating spouse, she embraces you like a child.
Don't you get tired from hugging thousands of strangers? one asked "The Mother." With sincerity she responded "No, because where there is love, it becomes effortless."

So I ask myself...could there be truth to effortless love? As for my yoga practice, I can relate. No matter how many hours of dedicated practice, torcher, pain and fear, I consider my love for yoga quite effortless. Even after my enemy pose (which is anything to do with a hip twist), I come out calm and peaceful, and most always wanting more.

In an effort to treat everyone the same, can we love all beings this way? From this class I realize that...making everything in your own life effortless translates to love for yourself and love for everyone else around you. Because when you do something in bitter spirit, it not only shows how you damage yourself but ruin the spirits of the world around you.

Like Amma, I have "The Mother" of my world. She is wise and loves us all the same. It's obviously a challenge and an effort to do so, but she makes it look so effortless.

In memory of Popo

Life has its fair share of happiness and sadness.

Today is Tuesday. We just finished a leisurely bike ride in the national wild life refuge, in VA when I received the news of my grandma's passing.

I was taken by surprise when my sister told me over the phone. I was the first one in the car to know and I quickly took a glance at my mom who was next to me. My mom was half asleep and somewhat dazed that I decided to wait until after the car ride to tell my mom. She was already aware of Popo's weak condition. Popo has been in the emergency room a few times this past year. More recently, losing memory of family members' names. Yet, last week when we saw her in the hospital bed, she was cheerful and smiling (even without teeth).

Popo was an enduring mother and wife. She was once in love and a run-away bride. She had at least 9 children whom she physically raised by herself. Because of her large family, she learned to master the art of saving. Even in her 80's, she continued to save coins, loose buttons, short threads and even used tape. Her skin was always soft and tender and her eyes were faded blue. Aside from her physical beauty, Popo had a beautiful giving heart. She helped raise us (her grandchildren) and gave us the opportunity to be here today. With her savings 20 years ago, she purchased plane tickets for my family to settle in the states. For many years, she helped form our adolescent behavior by keeping her watchful eyes from across the street. She also had a great sense of humor as she teased each of us about marriage in her own meaningful way. Popo was loving and kind hearted. This summer will be the first i will miss seeing Popo in her favorite basement step stoop.

I went downstairs to tell my mom. As i slowly walked into the bedroom, she seemed to have heard the news. I heard my mom weeping. Somewhat relieved from being the bearer of bad news, I kept my eyes on the bathroom floor as I walked over to sit beside my mom. My heart instantly ached when I felt my mom cry. I hugged her from her side as we shared tears at the edge of the tub. Popo's life just passed. One second here and gone the next.

Popo's passing got me thinking, What is the life cycle all about?
What is it like to be a child who grows into a grandparent?

Many of us want to make an impact in this world. We should start with the family that surrounds us.
Though I am not a life expert, i know impact takes years to build and we each have contributions to make through our life cycle.
Babies and children provide the laughter and happiness we experience.
Adolecents and teens teach us lifetime tools such as patience.
Adults and parents contribute undivided love, continuous care, and unyielding support.
And grandparents like Popo, they offer all of life's vision and their wisdom.

Although life is full of happy moments, it sure carries its fair share of sad and sadder. One day, I know it will be my turn. I will be the one to listen to the bad news...then the last day will come when I will become part of the news. We all will at some point, hopefully after our contributions to this world are made.

Thank you Popo for sharing your life vision and wisdom. May you continue to shine your sweet smile from above.

The Heart and The Mind..

When it comes to love and relationships, we all have our fair share of confusion.

My friends tell me to follow my heart, yet my parents remind me to use my brain.
My mind says no, but my heart says yes.

Others may find themselves in a forced situation where their heart resists, but the mind must submit.

On a larger scale, what's the use of a Mindless Heart? And what's worse than one with a Heartless Mind?

In this day and age, we are confused about who and what to follow. But instinctively, we know that we must live in unity, in harmony and in peace with ourselves.

Let not your mind be separated with your heart. Find a way to stitch them closer, glue them together...because after all, where the heart and the mind goes, your soul will follow.

In the end, may you be blessed with self unity, but also with a companion whose heart and mind is in union with yours.

To teach is to love..

I come from a family of teachers/tutors who devote their time and effort to instruct math, sciences, reading, writing, language, and even discipline. Since 5, I've always desired to be a school teacher as well. I wrote on chalk boards, wore high heels and even broke the TV antenna for use to point to my imaginary students. Since 12, I tutored children and peers on subject matters where I excelled. Here I am, today as an accountant missing the feeling I got when I used to teach.

Early last year I started my search to teach yoga. I ran around Manhattan trying different studios, spoke and met with a few advisors, and finally this year decided that I was going to go for it. Expensive? Yes. However, the hardest part was not the $4K tuition but the strict time commitment and scheduling it entailed.
I will begin my training next week and I'm ready. What am I ready for? I'm ready to learn and just experience....to open my heart physically and spiritually.

I've practiced on and off for about 5 years and now I'm ready to take yoga to the next level. I have expectations for myself. After taking my first "master yoga class" last week, I was intimidated. The yogis there were at least 5 times stronger and more flexible than I currently am. They were doing incredible back bends and hand stands! Though I was intimidated, I was also instantly mesmerized... I expect this yoga training to be intensely challenging and I'm loving it already. The thing is though, I gave myself a lot of physical goals this year which I am excited to pursue. But I soon also realize that my spiritual goals should also take a front row seat. I want to love more...I need to love more...

What's become my definition of love? After reading "The Road Less Traveled"...the definition of love is the extension of myself for the spiritual growth of another or myself...

So, teaching will be a form of my love...we'll see where this takes me...

Gone.

Time...
Words...
Opportunity.

Are the 3 things in life they say that once gone, never come back.

On Time- This year, I didn't waste any time. I committed myself to the triathlon sport and trained hard. I devoted myself to learn to swim. I took up the enjoyment of Salsa dancing and even performed in front of friends and family. I learned the art of Thai Yoga Massage and received as well as gave the flow of energy and metta (love). Though time has gone passed me, I've done all this with something to gain in the end. New skill sets, simple enjoyment, sweet friendships and great memories. My time has gone and I didn't waste any of it.

On Words - When I said I would, I did. Meet you for lunch? I'm there!
Swim a mile everyday before my race. Done!
Get Lean. Check! Looking back on My 2009 list, I told myself I would document life, be funnier, eat healthier, and...what was the last one? Oh yes, LOVE MORE...(I had to look back at that one).

I'm glad to have had the means to fulfill my years' desire. Next year is another one to accomplish and I'm ready to place my words on it. So, say what you mean, but more importantly, mean what you say.

On Opportunity - I feel like I missed a couple this year. I took too long to think it through and with unemployment to deal with, I was hesitant to spend. I missed the opportunity to watch my friend make her lifetime commitment in Nicaragua. And because many friends had gotten married this year, I had to give up attending one over the other. I missed my October aim to become a certified yoga instructor. At least missing that opportunity leaves me things to do for 2010.

Once gone, they never come back...are time, words and opportunity.